Getting Left Behind…

Since I have last posted a blog I have thought of writing a new one about a million times!  This break had been pretty easy as far as fertility goes so I first wanted to write one about Fibromyaliga.  For those of you who do not know I was officially diagnosed with Fibromyaliga in October though I have been living with the symptoms for just over the last ten years.  I have had three surgeries to try to discover the source of one specific pain spot and come to find out it is actually musculoskeletel is pretty frustrating and quite infuriating to be honest.  To know that I didn’t have to put myself, and those around me, through those surgeries was tough to swallow.  I have to keep reminding myself it is called “medical practice” and not “medical perfection” for a reason.  I get that part considering what I do is also a “practice” as a counselor.  I don’t have all the answers and for about ten years nobody had them for me either.  Aside from the length of time I have been suffering through this disease, or what ever it is considered, I have had times of remission.  Most of these times I was a lot less overweight, and I was happy, mostly.  I know stress tends to aggravate symptoms as does weight but then you get in this vicious cycle of pain-sit around-gain weight-feel depressed-pain and on and on and on.  I have been trapped in this cycle for a few years now.  While I have had long and lasting moments of happiness this has been the cycle pretty true to words.  Since October when I got the diagnosis I have been on two separate medications: the first was Noretriptline which worked amazingly!  I felt so good!  The mornings and nights are the worst pain-wise and I would actually wake up and be feeling ready to get moving and go do something.  Typically in the mornings it takes me awhile to find a way I can lay to have the worst amount of pain, then it takes me even longer because as soon as I sit up my whole body hurts and walking is at times just too painful.  So I stretch in bed for awhile before I can get up, then I come out and stretch on the floor a little longer so I can be able to move without excruciating pain.  Don’t get me wrong though there is always pain.  Always.  I try not to use all inclusive words like “always” and “never” because nothing ‘ALWAYS’ happens, but not in this case it is true I am literally “ALWAYS” in some sort of pain.  A headache (usually with something else), pain in my knee, wrist, leg, electrical shooting pains down from my hip to my knee or foot on the other side of my body, foot, neck (mostly neck), and shoulders.  It literally doesn’t end.  There will be times when it is tolerable enough to be nearly normal; or at least to act normal to the world and my husband.  But on the inside I am never without pain.  It is crazy to me at this point to think that some people live their lives without being in pain everyday.  Every moment.  I can’t even conceive of that.

After my three month check up with my prescribing doctor I asked about if I get pregnant on this medication and what to do.  He said that I cannot get pregnant on it and if I think I am going to try I need to tell him and he will take me off of it.  I said how I have been trying for the last two and a half years and it should clearly be there in my chart.  I was pretty irritated he didn’t see that in the first place!  How could he have put me on something so serious and not have even asked me if I was on other medications.  In fact, I handed him a list of medications I am on when he came in the room, protocol for the clinic, and had he looked over it he would have seen I was on fertility meds and known not to put me on this medication that made my quality of life so much better!  Ahh!  I’m still mad!  Plus even worse what if I HAD gotten pregnant?!  After all this time and pain with trying what might have happened!?  Ugh!  Anyways so I had to wean off that medication as I weaned onto another, Gabapentin.  This one is apparently safer but switching was a real pain in my ass!  Literally it was.  For a couple weeks if felt like neither medication was working and it was awful.  It did however make me realize how much the meds really do improve my pain because without them I was back to not being able to get out of bed without it being literally excruciating.  Now I am at a settled place I suppose.  I have to take this medication three times a day and if I miss a dose I definitely can feel it.  This sucks!  I hate it!  But at this point in my life I don’t feel as though I have much of a choice until I can learn to control the pain with food and movement/exercise.  I am currently on this road to being committed to getting there.  Almost.  I am an emotional eater and I have to eat with the medicine so it’s a hard thing to balance.  I also still get nauseous all the time too because of the PCOS so that makes it the hardest.  I realize I may have said all this already in my previous post since I remember talking about taking care of my body and not trying to conceive anymore.  I had been totally fine with that since my last blog but recently things took a very different turn.

I was seeing a pretty good number of clients and/or having respite kiddos enough to keep me busy so I was not feeling sad about no baby in the past or in sight.  I even got this job for a few weeks which required more than double the amount of hours I told them I had to give them and among other reasons I realized fairly quickly it was not a good fit, as they realized I was not a good fit for them.  That for sure kept me busy and my mind occupied from thinking about a baby.  It kept me thinking about the Fibro a lot because it required over three hours of driving every day and that more than aggravated the pain.  Not good.  This made me really nervous about my ability to have a full time job.  I was in pretty much only in career mindset at this point so I was not sad about the pain that could be associated with pregnancy with this thought.  Well as the weeks went on I interviewed for another job but still have not heard back yet.  I am indifferent about it.  Well sort of.  I want it but again I am scared.  Though I have noticed the pain is better when I am active all day rather than laying around.  BUT I have to be careful about what I am doing when I am active because it could aggravate the pain.  I clearly have not yet found that balance and it sucks!  So these were all topics over the last few weeks that I have wanted to blog about but didn’t for whatever reason.  Maybe I didn’t want to feel the feelings that may come up that were still there below the surface regarding the infertility.  Maybe I was just lazy and feeling down and unsure about sharing a potential depression with the world since I am a counselor an all.  People tend to think counselors live these perfect lives and I don’t know what that means if I were to say I am battling depression feelings.  I found solace in “LAShrinks” which is a new show about counselors in LA.  It actually follows three shrinks personal lives, as well as a few of each one’s clients and how they do counseling.  This show has been a big support to me as oddly as that sounds typing that out loud (lol, is it called out loud if it is typed and not said? I don’t know, hehe).  It gave me a good reminder that I am human first and a counselor second.  And the point of this blog was to come out and be honest about all these feelings associated with infertility, naturally depression would be one of them.

I have been depressed before, a couple times in fact.  Suicidally depressed actually during more than one of those times.  Statistically speaking the odds of getting depressed again after being depressed more than once is just huge.  I don’t have a number but it is crazy high, I wanna say like seventy percent or something.  Either way I am sure it’s over fifty.  So here I am.  Battling this for I would say my whole life, but really battling depression since about six months after we were married and I wasn’t pregnant yet.  Some days it really shows and somedays it doesn’t show at all and I feel genuinely happy.  I am happy. I love my husband and he is more than amazing!  I feel very lucky that he chose me and somedays I feel as though I am still glowing from this realization.  Somedays I cannot think of anything but the fact that I do not have a child, or even a single pregnancy.  This time this feeling started a couple days before Easter when I realized how immersed I was in a life filled with children.

Facebook can, usually is, the worst!  All I see sometimes when I look on my page are pictures of babies, pregnant bellies, newborns, little kiddos, little kid clothes, and most of all beautiful, loving families.  All I ever wanted since I was little was a big family.  I have a brother and a sister and while my parents are still married my family is still broken.  All families are broken in some way but mine can’t, or won’t, be in the same room with each other maybe ever again.  So my family is not ‘traditionally’ broken in the sense most people think of, like a divorce between parents, but my family is divorced from each other and it is sad.  I cannot have all of my family together at the same time and that hurts.  It makes me sad for a lot of people but what this blog is about is me so I will talk about how that makes me sad for me.  I don’t know what my baby shower will look like, with both people show up?  What about when I deliver, can they sit in the waiting room together and not cause me anxiety and stress, or will one part just not even show up because the other is there?  The point is my family has really been broken in this way since I was a child and I think this contributes greatly to my desire to create my own.  This was one of the big reasons that pushed me into deciding to take my hubby’s last name and not keep my family’s name.  I wanted to start my own family where everyone loved each other and were taught to treat each other with kindness.  This is not an unrealistic expectation, I realized, in college when I met families who were not broken to the point where they did not associate with one another.  I could not even begin to describe how excited I was to start this family with the man of my dreams who complimented and balanced me perfectly in every way, especially in the way of parenting.  This is not a new subject I am dealing with it is just new that I am sharing it.  This blog has been difficult in knowing who reads it and what they will know about my life and loved ones as a result but the fact is this is MY blog and MY life and while some people may think I am being respectful of keeping things secret and not sharing the truth is secrets hurt.  Secrets keep shame alive.  The shame I felt about not being able to conceive before I started this blog was unreal and I am tired of carrying around shame.  Especially shame that is not mine to carry.  I am already carrying around enough physical and emotional pain on a daily basis I am done carrying more than my share.  My family is broken and it hurts me on many levels, especially the one where I cannot make my own and have it be different.  I went to school for a long time to learn how to be different to people, and to teach other people how to be different to each other and it kills me that I cannot make wonderful people to bring up with having this knowledge from their roots.  I am breaking the cycle but I cannot have any new tiny humans to teach the new cycle to.  It hurts more than I could imagine.  It hurts that all these other people in my world get to have these tiny humans and either do get to break their unhealthy cycles, or even worse they do not because they don’t know how and yet they are all leaving me behind.

When I first came out with our infertility issues and started this blog I had a huge uproar of women messaging me sharing their similar struggles.  I would say probably just under twenty women contacted me and let me know they too were struggling with infertility.  Today nearly all of those women have left infertility behind them and conceived a child.  This is wonderfully amazing!  I am so happy for them!  A few in particular I really connected with and I could not be happier for them, end of story.  End of their story, my story however is complicated.  While I do feel happy for these families and I wouldn’t wish they still were suffering with infertility it does take me back to that place of loneliness, a feeling I had escaped, for the most part, by coming out with this blog and feeling the outpour of women letting me know I was not along, and in that me letting them know they were not alone.  Now I am realizing how I am pretty alone.  These women still know the pain and I realize that doesn’t go away with the birth of a miracle but their story has a happy ending and since my story is unfinished I am by default left behind.

This started on Easter because I saw all the pictures of families celebrating together.  Holidays have to be split in my family if I want to see everyone because it is broken and going through another holiday without a child is that much more difficult.  What sucks the most is that I didn’t get together with any of my side of my family for Easter but you bet your ass if we’d have had a baby or a toddler on this Easter there is no way my family would have missed getting together with us.  I have already prepared myself for how that may be hard in the future and am dealing with how it is hard now.  I watched all these videos and adorable pictures of FB friend’s kids dressed all cute for Easter and I guarantee my parents wouldn’t miss any of that stuff on any holiday.  But since my family is broken or incomplete none of us even talked.  I am not blaming anyone for this, I realized I could have just as easily planned something for one side of my family but sometimes that just makes it that much more striking that there is no joy of young children.  In fact the youngest member of my immediate family right now is twelve.  That means its been twelve years since we have had a baby around; the longest our family has ever gone considering my parents started our family with my brother, nearly two years later my sister.  When she was eight I was born, when I was nine my first nephew was born.  He was four or five when his sister joined us, and she was two when my littlest nephew was born and that’s that.  Twelve years without another birth the longest my parents have gone since their union without the blessing of a baby.  It is my turn.  It is supposed to be me now, and its not and there’s nothing I can do about it.  There’s nothing to look forward to.  No first crawling, or walking, or talking.  No cute funny things to report to Daddy or Mommy while they were off at work and there is none of that in sight now that I am off the hormones. Right now being without a lot of work makes it especially difficult because I have all this time to be home creating a secure attachment for an infant and I can’t do that.  If I were working more I would at least have my career to lean on, which is what I go to every time I feel depression coming on about infertility.  I wanted this career so badly and I have that so it is okay that I don’t, can’t, have my family YET.  Now I don’t really even have that excuse to tell myself.  LIfe is just hard.  And I obviously don’t mean there’s nothing in life to look forward to!  I have things I do look forward to they are just not the things I thought I would be excited about right now.  They are not the things my friends are looking forward to and thus I am still here.  Behind them and still waiting for my miracle.  For my blessing.  My moment of getting to say “I’m pregnant!”.  Still just waiting while what feels like EVERYONE else gets to announce theirs.

Whelp that’s that.  This is where my head and heart are at these days.  I know it’d been awhile and I’d been feeling pretty good there for awhile but that damn Easter out pour of children and families around me.  Another is seeing someone who I sort of thought was having issues though I didn’t know for sure, that person was pretty horrible to me in the past and I saw that he/she is getting to start their family.  Those ones are the hardest because, yes speaking honestly, I feel like they don’t deserve it as much as we do because we are good people, and kind people to others.  I would never do to anyone what this person did to me and they get to raise a precious human life and teach them how to be to others.  I get this person has probably, maybe, changed and is kind to others but in the end it doesn’t really matter because they too are leaving us sitting here behind them without a family.  Ahhhhh!!  I’m glad that’s all out!  You know it is really difficult to sit here and talk about my being a ‘good’ person when I have all these feelings of envy, jealously, and whatever else about life and others but as a counselor I know those feelings are all normal in this situation, or any situation really, and that they don’t make me a bad person for having them.  I don’t sit here and lie about them or hurt anyone because of them so I feel I get to keep my good person patch.  Thank you all for listening to my heart and hopefully not judging me too terribly.  And if you are judging me I encourage you to find the empathy and realize we are all human which sometimes comes with nasty un-Jesus-like emotions.  Haha.

Thank you all and of course well wishes are appreciated!  Right now I need a job so throwing some of that type of wish out there would be great.  Goodnight!  (Or probably good morning by the time you read this).

Xoxoxo

Sometimes it is Time To close the Book…

This post was intended to be a quick update but just thinking of a title made me realize how much I haven’t shared yet about what we see in our future.  Following up to last post I said I would take another test this weekend (Friday actually but I already peed my first pee and then had to wait until today).  The test was negative which I started to know it would be based on my lack of crazy hormone symptoms the last few days; which has been nice I have to say! So that puts me at no pregnancy still, and I chose not to take the hormone/fertility pill Femara this month.  I had to start taking them on day 3 of my cycle and I had a few things happen that cemented my decision as I had been on the fence about it for the last 3 weeks or so.  How I felt was a huge factor in that decision.  

I posted previously as to my concern with getting pregnant at this point with the condition of my body.  I talked about how I look like I’ve had a baby, or I look like I am pregnant already sometimes.  These hormone pills are basically telling my body it needs to prepare for a baby every month; this message has definitely taken its toll on my body when its been receiving the message for over 2 years!! My body is tired and it hurts.  After getting the Fibromyaliga diagnosis in the Fall and getting on medication for that I have been feeling a little better as far as pain goes but I still am stiff.  It still takes me awhile to get up and around when I start the day.  I get sore often for no known reason and it makes life difficult.  Now I think about all these things and having to meet the needs of a toddler; that seems like it would be hard because I would ignore the messages from my body that it is in pain and I would do whatever my child wanted me to do.  “Good parenting comes from overflow” (I’m not sure who said this but it has stuck with me since I first heard it), if I am in pain all the time and ignoring it how fast will my tank get depleted and there won’t be any overflow.  Those of you who are parents or who know much about parenting know it is difficult to be genuinely invested as much as you want to be when you are running on empty all the time.  I know this because parent child counseling is a speciality of mine so I know a lot about what is involved under the surface.  This point of the lack of lasting overflow is one instance that is concerning to me about our having a baby now.  There are several more, as I am sure there always will be, but some are important enough that they deserve attention now.  

There is some relationship stuff to deal with.  I know that is not a deal breaker to having children as there always will be relationship stuff to deal with but this type of stuff is a little different and it would be a real bonus if we could get it a little more worked out before a baby came along.  I know I have been pretty open in this blog about my life and that was my intention but out of respect for the other people in my life there are some things I do not say because it is their life and therefore is not my place to say them.  This is not exclusive to my husband’s life but to others, friends, family members – close or not, etc.  However I can say that infertility has taken its toll.  My husband and I deal with things very differently and that has made the infertility journey difficult (as if it is not already difficult enough on its own).  I hope you are not taking this as some huge thing that our marriage is on the rocks or anything because that is in no way the case!  We are happy and we are still in love!  There is no worry that our marriage in in jeopardy or on the rocks whatsoever.  We could just use some time to learn how to be there for each other through this pain because we sometimes turn to other sources for comfort.  Mine are this blog, talking with a select few friends, and verbally processing sometimes with no one which is, in the long run, a very destructive thing for me.  Hubby has his own ways of processing as well and we are working on turning to each other more often and to those things less often.  It’s very hard because we both have pain from this and we both rarely want to process that pain at the same time but one cannot process with the other without then forcing them to deal with the pain right then.  Its a complicated thing and it sucks we have to deal with it at all but we do.  We will be working on this a lot the next several months I imagine.  Just one of the things we want to get worked out and get back on the healthy train.  

Other things on the healthy train are his health as well.  He has gained a substantial amount of weight as well probably having a lot to do with my sweets cravings and my encouraging him to partake with me ;).  We also have gotten pretty lazy with which foods we eat.  We have gone for a lot of quick things which means fast food, or food from a box rather than focusing on making healthy choices and exercising.  We both have gym memberships now so we will be going regularly at some point.  Right now we go but it is pretty hit and miss.  

I also have discussed in other posts our desire to try a more naturopathic route.  We wanted to do this last year if our IUI in April did not work.  Our plan was to take a break from trying the infertility drugs and methods and get healthy and try again after nine months or so.  Instead what happened is we tried a few things but mostly we enjoyed infertility being out of sight out of mind and just lived our lives without it for awhile.  It was a very nice break; a much needed break as well.  Now I got a Chiropractic exam, again, and there are some findings there he thinks he may be able to fix and thus could fix my irregular cycles problem.  Now if I can fix that problem then we can just keep going and as long as we are having sex we don’t have to be really “trying” so hard but it might just happen.  That is essentially what the hormone pills are doing for me now but they are too harsh so there are all these other factors that come with them.  This would be great, and a great way to get pregnant too, well it’d be like a regular person, what a thought!  

So I am sure you may have figured out by now in reading this post that we are going to stop the Western version of fertility treatments and pursue a more naturopathic route.  I know I said this before but now my body is the one saying it too.  I am done taking fertility meds for awhile (hopefully for good).  I have already lost like 3 pounds just from not taking them this month and I would still be taking them!  That is crazy to me.  I haven’t changed anything else just did not take the hormone pills again and there are already positive results.  This is our plan… we are going to think of fueling our bodies with things it needs to be healthy.  I am considering trying vegan again since I hardly eat meat anyway that part would be an easy challenge and the Chiropractor said if my body felt good then it’s probably a good indication that that’s how it wants to be run all the time.  Once I get those anti-inflamatories out of my body then I will feel a lot better and with more energy comes the ability to exercise more.  I am going to do chiropractic treatments over the next year and see a naturopath.  Hubby is going to be doing his own health regimens as well and we will re-evaluate our bodies health in trying to conceive (TTC) again once we feel good enough to look at trying again.  I am not sure how long that will be.  I am hoping I will be feeling good in a few months but I will give it longer than that to make sure I am in a stable place physically before I start messing with my body again.  I am hoping I will just start getting regular and then we will have less treatment options we have to consider.  Then the hope is that it will happen on its own.  We won’t stop having sex thats for sure!  We will just stop jacking me up on hormones for awhile.  

I do have more to share in this plan but for now this is how we will close this book.  Hopefully the infertility pill book can stay closed for us and I don’t ever have to do this again.  Often it seems as though it is my impatience that takes us back to the pills which is ironic because the reason we chose not to go this route last year was because we didn’t want to wait so long and we knew this route would take longer, potentially, than just taking the pill.  Now we are right here in the same place but feeling like shit physically because of it all.  This time I want to feel good.  I am tired of being fat and I already feel excited and motivated after losing just the 3 pounds.  There is no limit now to what I can/can’t do because I am not having to “take it easy” exercising and stuff because I can’t make drastic changes to my body because of TTC.  I am so excited to feel good again!  

I will continue to write.  I will post my progress in getting healthy and maybe even use this as a way to keep me accountable and on the wagon, so to speak.  When I get healthy I will feel good and when I feel good my stress level will be down and my body has a better chance of functioning optimally and thus a better chance of being able to conceive.  It will be a long journey but I don’t really see an alternative at this point when we can’t afford IVF, ha.  And I don’t want all those concerns to become realities if IVF were to work.  This was is the best way, it’s the best new book I can open for my life.  Our life, and our children’s lives.  

Please think of me in a positive way of getting healthy and feeling good.  And also stay tuned my next blog, assuming nothing big happens before that I choose to write about, will have big news in our other book!  It is too in depth to write about in this already long blog and I want to go spend alone time with my family (hubby and puppies who are cuddled on the couch right now).  

Thank you for thinking of me and I will be focusing on meditation as well so maybe I will be able to really feel your vibes more than usual 😉  I will try not to wait too long before posting our other plans as I know some get anxious because I get text messages, lol.  

Love you all and as always thank you thank you thank you!  

Wendi 

A Strange Visit From AF…

Hello all thank you for coming to read! This will be a short one, or at least it is intended to be, because I have to get my brain rest for my first day of training tomorrow for my new job, yay! For those of you who do not know I accepted a job as a Mental Health Therapist so I will be working that job part time and keeping my private practice part time as well.  I am pretty excited about the steady income and to work in community mental health as odd as that may be to some.  I love working with new populations of people so I cannot wait to get out there and get started.  However this is not what I logged on to write about.

If you have been following you know that I was waiting to find out if I was pregnant around last Friday.  Since this post didn’t start out with the title as “OMG I’M PREGNANT!” you can probably guess it is because I am not.  Or at least that is what the test said.  Yes it was a dollar store test, I have been told by the doctors office that it doesn’t matter but for some reason when all the other tests are like 15 dollars and then there are ones for only 1 dollar I can’t help but think they are not as high in quality, right? Yes, the answer is yes you would think that.  Anywho the test was another negative and yet I still had not started (or Aunt Flow (AF) had not visited me yet if I use infertility terms.  She did happen to arrive on day 32 though and it just so happened this was the day I was violently ill.  And when I say violently I mean violently!  My whole body is still sore as hell from puking so much and so hard.  I actually had to hold onto the toilet while I was puking and I am surprised I did not break the seat and/or lid off.  It was a brutal experience.  Typically I take prescreption pain medication for my period cramps and since I had been having them I had been taking the meds long enough to make me constipated.  This means while I was puking every time I heaved I felt the poo pressing on my spine and then the period pain also killing my lower back and sending jolting throbing pains down my legs.  The worst part about it was that I could not take any of my meds because I couldn’t keep anything down, not even spit, no joke if I swallowed spit, which happened a lot because I was just getting over a cold, I puked that up.  I literally could not keep anything down.  This meant no pain pills, no cramp pills, no Fibromyaliga pills (which was the worst!) and no pills of any sort to help relieve the constipation.  Luckily, and I find it odd I am using that word, the flu spread through my entire digestive tract so the constipation wasn’t an issue for the next day or there after.  So enough about my graphic details of being sick.  I started my period on Saturday, it was pretty regular with being on the Femara that first day, meaning heavy and chunky (yep I just used that word, talk about graphic, ha!).  Then on Sunday it was barely anything and when there was something it was just the brown type of period stuff you know like when you are at the end of your period.  Then on Monday there was only one instance of a little brown spotting, and today nothing.  This would have been typical for me when I wasn’t taking any fertility meds but this has never happened since I have been taking them.  Typically with them my period is heavy, chunky, and dark red for at least 5, usually 6 days then one and a half days or so of the brown residue stuff and its over.  And it also includes the most horrific period cramps, particularly in my low back, I have ever had.  This cycle had some back pain but it was pretty much all before and that first Saturday, after that nothing.  Totally strange, totally abnormal.

Now today I timed this out after the first two because it seemed very odd.  I peed every two hours almost to the minute.  And while I should have been increasing my fluid intake from being sick I had not been so I have no reason why I should have been peeing so much and so often.  They were full pees too they weren’t just a little dribble.  It seems very odd to me and I am inclined to not believe my dollar store test nor my little strange AF teaser from Saturday.  I know some women have spotting and they think it is their period and often times it is actually the implantation and not their period but this was kind of late for implantation and this was more than what I would ever refer to as spotting!  I am not sure what to make of it exactly but we went out and splurged and got one of those six dollar pregnancy tests that I will take on Friday just to make sure it is a negative.  I still kind of think it may come up positive.  It just seems so strange, this month was different in every way.  Given I was sick and I am not sure how much of the whole teeth hurting and all that other stuff could have been from my being sick but since AF was strange it just seems like maybe there is still hope for this month.

I feel pretty good right now.  I was still feeling pretty sick and tired, and crappy this morning into this early evening but I made myself a smoothy with veggies and good stuff for me in it and since then I have felt a lot better.  I am tired and I did have a little cramping going on this evening but I can’t tell if that is still the flu finishing it’s tour of my digestive tract or something female in origin.  Either way I suppose I will know more information on Friday and I really hope that information is not another single line on a six dollar test.  Keeping my fingers crossed and I hope you will do the same for me too, please :).

Thank you so much for reading and waiting with me and I will try not to keep you waiting too much longer than I come Friday morning 🙂

Thanks again!

Wendi

A Change In Perspective…

As usual I have a few warnings before reading this post.  I am sick, with a cold, some flu symptoms, and some other stuff going on (I’m not sure yet if that is body aches, cramps, or some feeling I have never felt before, which I am obviously hoping is a little baby in the oven).  With being sick I have already taken NyQuil for the evening and it clearly did not put me to sleep.  I don’t remember sleeping poorly before when I was sick and took NyQuil, after all it is supposed to be “the best sleep you ever got with a cold medicine”.  Yeah not so much this go round.  That leads me to writing the blog instead of sleeping and letting my body heal itself.  That’s another story of my life topic.  Tonight however I will be sharing some new things that have been coming up for me lately, or since my last post anyhow.  

It’s interesting to think of how many people out there know my menstrual cycle now, lol.  Or how many people I call/text when I get my period.  I wasn’t shy about sharing that information before but last month I realized I texted like 5 people to let them know I was officially on “Day 1” of my cycle instead of being on week 4 of a pregnancy.  It’s really kind of awesome when I think about it because I have all these people rooting for me out there that I rarely even talk to.  It is also pretty cool because some of those who are familiar with the infertility time table, or even just those who know when I post and pay attention to when I say “2WW” then 2 weeks later my phone starts going off with people asking me if I have symptoms and what is happening for me this time around.  It’s very nice.  I actually really love it.  

So quickly for those of you not texting me to find out if I have started my period yet I will just let you know that I have not.  Today was day 28 and with the Femara last cycle I started on the 31st day, which means I have a few days left to go.  This time I have to say is different.  Usually I am in so much pain by now it is difficult to sit, stand, lay, stretch, or sometimes even sit on that big exercise ball we have because cramps are so bad!  They are literally intolerable!  I actually take prescription pain medicine for them sometimes because of it.  If you are not new to this blog I am sure this makes a million and one times you have heard that now.  This time however, I have not had to take any pain medicine.  So there is something new, not sure what to make of it yet.  I wonder if the pain has just been drown out a little because simply breathing right now is such a difficult task.  I am almost through an entire roll of toilet paper from blowing my nose and I buy the good, strong, jumbo rolls so that is saying a lot! Okay.  New thing. You got it.  Moving on.

My teeth hurt like a “insert cuss word describing something sexual to do to mothers” (yeah that description is not pretty but I have to control my cussing lately because we have had a kiddo here for almost two weeks.)  Controlling the cussing btw is not an easy task for this trucker mouth of a female!  I really miss my cuss words and they are not something I am ready to part with.  Benefits of getting a kid as a baby rather than as a 14 year old that can immediately tell on you.  Anywho I recall my friend first being pregnant and she told me one of her first symptoms was her teeth hurting and how she was not aware that was an early pregnancy symptom.  Today at my supervision appointment they hurt so badly I found that I kept grabbing at my jaw.  Again who knows if this is a pregnancy symptom or part of body aches because I got the F-ing flu right before I am going to start one of my horrific periods.  Not a very nice combination to say the least.  It is actually a horrible thing to do to someone if you ask me! 

I also smell stuff.  I smell it often and I smell it pretty intense.  This is not exactly new as I recently (the last 3 cycles or so) realized I get a good sense about me when I am ovulating.  I faintly recall smelling pretty well last month right before my period and I thought it may be a pregnancy symptom then as well.  Clearly it was not.  

Okay I believe that is about it for potential symptoms or whatever the hell else I was writing about because by now I don’t even remember.  This tells me I should get to the point.

 Lately I have met up with a few old friends.  This activity itself usually leads to discussing my infertility.  Before because we didn’t have kids yet and they wondered when we would and mostly now it comes up because of this blog.  I hear “I read your blog”, which are four of some of the best words I think I will ever hear.  Course I never thought I would have to have a blog but there’s another story again.  I absolutely LOVE hearing that.  LOVE IT!  Especially when it comes from someone who doesn’t typically comment or ‘like’ my blog post because it tells me there are others out there who are reading and connecting.  Or understanding even if it isn’t me I imagine it may be someone in their life living with infertility and if this blog could prevent people from saying even just one horrible thing to someone suffering with infertility issues then it has been worth it.  These friends were not in jeopardy of saying something horrible we just discussed the blog because this is my life.  It is.  Writing that makes me think how nice it must be to just tune in by reading this blog when you want to see how the whole infertility thing is going and tune out when your done reading but I am living this infertility thing every day.  That is actually one thing that came up with one of these friends is what it is like living it every day.  As we were sitting there a family came through the front door.  First a woman carrying a baby, probably 4 months old or so, maybe 6 I’m not really sure because it has been years since I have spent any large amount of time around babies, all the more reason to so desperately want one.  Anywho I watched them as I normally would.  I watched the man, husband I assume as they were wearing rings, walk in behind with another child about 4 years old.  They sat near us and as I was talking about living every day with infertility I realized what I was doing literally while we were talking; I was making up this family’s back story.  I wondered if they planned the first one as they looked very young.  I wondered if she worked or stayed home with the kids.  I wondered if they have a healthy fulfilling couple relationship.  I wondered if they were in love with their family the way I would be with mine.  And above all else, the two things I nearly always wonder are 1) how long it took them to get pregnant and  2)  why they deserve a baby more than my husband and I do.  What makes them different?  Why do they get to go out on a late morning with their little family and enjoy family time and I don’t?  How is that fair?  Or when I wonder if it took them awhile to get pregnant then I wonder what treatments they did.  How their relationship held up under the trauma of in-conception.  What were the reasons they couldn’t get pregnant right away? And why they eventually got that moment where they realized they had created life, and they would get to meet that life in just under a year.  Here is my ah-ha moment.  As I realized I had analyzed all this in a matter of minutes because infertility is so much a part of me now I went home and realized I didn’t feel angry from it.  I didn’t have to look away in disgust from this family.  I simply wondered “why” without feeling the paralyzing pain which always accompanied it before.  

My ah-ha moment went a little further when a few more people in my life sprung up pregnant.  I did wonder “Why? That far along already when it seems like they just told me they were trying, that happened fast!”  Then I wondered what it would be like to just want to have a baby and then get pregnant.  Just like that!  I wonder what it feels like to want it and have it happen.  Again I wasn’t angry or wounded or thrown into feelings of shame and desperation.  It just was.  I have had this change in perspective for about a week now.  Not a long time in the grand scheme of things and I am not completely positive it won’t change back around but it is a remarkable difference as even before when I would have moments of relief from that desperation I still felt disgusted, jealous, or betrayed.  This time I felt no such feelings.  Instead I actually felt a calm peace in what feels like the first time in nearly 3 years.  Of course the counselor in me cannot just take that and be at peace I have to figure out why I all of a sudden feel that when that is exactly what I have searched for, begged for, and prayed for over the last several years.  Thinking retrospectively these are my discoveries.  

As many of you saw on Facebook I got a tattoo for my birthday this year which was, actually, one month ago today.  This is the tattoo in case anyone missed it before.  

                  Image 

Hopefully it isn’t going to turn out huge as it looks on my screen right now but I imagine you can get the idea.  This is a Lotus flower just as is the one I put as the picture header for this blog tonight.  The Lotus flower is incredible!  I first learned about its meaning, wait… actually I don’t recall anymore; huh.  I don’t know what got me to first look it up. Strange.  Well what I do remember is looking it up and reading how it blooms in muddy water.  Often the Lotus flower is the only beautiful thing in the muddy water it is surrounded by.  Despite being stuck in mud and surrounded by it every day it still blooms into something beautiful and in fact a fully open Lotus stands for enlightenment.  Enlightenment is a word I learned in my first psychology class.  Maslow’s Higher Archy of Needs (sp?? I don’t feel like googling it to see if it is correct).  On the top of the pyramid is enlightenment.  When all your other needs are no longer something you have to stress about you can reach enlightenment and become, what I interpreted as essentially, a perfect person.  This may not have been intended to mean ‘perfect’ but I imagine it to mean having complete understanding of why things happen the way they do and being okay with that.  Thus leading to the ability to live one’s life in the moment, or perfectly peaceful.  

Different colored Lotus flowers also have further meaning.  Blue can mean “spiritual freedom”. And pink has it’s own significant meaning as well.  This all got my head turning.  Then for about the last year I have been dead set on getting the Lotus flower as my next tattoo.  I was still unsure of what exactly that was to look like but I knew it was right.  Then pink and blue came into the mix and thinking about traditional baby gender colors.  I liked it but I did not care for the ugly yellow, whatever they are, in the center of the flower.  The center is important and it needs to be intentional.  I do not know how this came to mind but I thought about a heart in the middle.  That developed into two hearts overlapping and by then well I was set on what I wanted it to look like.  Thankfully the tattoo artist had a great way of getting what was in my non-artistic head and making it something beautiful on paper.  I loved it and I was not scared of the pain I knew it would bring because the pain actually brought more significance as the journey has been painful and this was proof that I had pain and I survived.  This tattoo represented everything I had ever been through.  I came from muddy water.  The odds of me getting a Master’s degree and becoming emotionally healthy were more than stacked against me!  I spent a large part of my life trying to get validation for my pain and what I was going through and it took me a long time to find that.  It was a painful journey and also an enlightening journey (and that is in no way saying I have reached ‘enlightenment’).  The gender colors of baby pink and baby blue represent the baby we still do not have and how painful that journey has been.  The hearts also take part in the infertility meaning.  Our wedding theme was two hearts.  This is not saying two babies but saying our two hearts, mine and hubbys.  I realized just the other day as I was helping to teach a client on what to say to a 3 year old after she insisted that she grew in her guardians belly.  She did not and this guardian did not know what to say.  I recalled reading somewhere once something that read how being adopted means you grew in my heart instead of my belly.  I shared that with my client about a month ago then just this week realized my two hearts right there on my wrist.  One heart for boy(s) and one for girl(s), who have grown in our hearts but maybe not in my belly.  

I also had an ‘ah-ha’ moment when I was learning more about Fibromyaliga (Fibro).  Often women who have Fibro experience a remission of symptoms while they are pregnant.  They say they “felt like a regular person” meaning not constantly in pain.  I discussed this with my Physical Therapist who said how that is not alwasy the case and that for some of her patients the pain did get worse.  Talking with another person recently who has Fibro and has carried a child warned me about what it may be like to carry a baby.  This person has no knowledge of any of my infertility issues nor is she even aware that I have a blog.  There were other things as well that got me thinking about my body’s ability to currently provide another with life when it is barely running itself.  This scared me.  Would I even be able to keep up with a child when it was two if carrying it made my body worse than it is now?! I don’t want that!  I want to be on the floor playing with my children.  I WILLl be on the floor playing with my children doing something of their choice!  This was not my experience as a child, while my dad played with me and engaged with me in what he was interested in, I don’t recall any adult getting into my world and playing Barbies on the floor with me.  I was really, REALLY into Barbies!  My children will not have the absence of this memory as adults.  They will remember me getting into their world, not me requiring them to get into mine in order to connect with me.  That is unfair and I have worked way too hard on figuring out why people are the way they are to let my children grow up that same way.  But what if a pregnancy is just too much for my body?  After this long of fertility treatments I am tore up!  I look as though I have had a baby.  My body is in no shape to be pushing out more than it already is (no pun intended).  After this realization all the pieces seemed to come into place.  What I had begged and pleaded for may have finally come to me.  The peace and answer I had been searching for, maybe, I had finally found.  Maybe I was being led to see how pregnancy would not be our current medium of leading us to finally hold our child.  

I went through this phase after my tattoo was nearly healed where I did not like it.  I was regretting it.  It was so unlike me to get something so permanent on a place so visible to everyone nearly all the time!  I was a professional and how did this look to my clients?! I hid it for days.  I hated it.  It was too big and not what I had envisioned.  I wanted it out of my life I didn’t want to accept it.  Then when something switched I realized the point of the tattoo, to validate my journey through infertility and life, was representing all the feelings I had already.  The mere reason I got the tattoo.  It was real that infertility was too big in my life.  I wanted it to just go away and I was powerless to make it gone.  I didn’t want life to be like this, not this hard just to have the family I always wanted.  I realized I cannot change that either.  I can only accept it and move forward.  Not getting pregnant right now didn’t have to mean not having a family or a child in our near future.  I started to see those hearts in the center of my tattoo differently.  I found myself rubbing my tattoo and wondering whose little heart was out there aching as much for us as we were for it.  I started wondering if my child, our child, had even been born yet.  Maybe they were not even conceived yet but I still felt this confidence that our child would come into our life and be everything we had dreamt of.  Maybe our child has been growing in our hearts all this time even though it has not grown in my belly.  It was odd after that the amount of time I spent gazing into my tattoo as if it were some portal to the heart of my baby.  A piece of art that connected us.  I don’t know if that happens I only know what I thought and what I felt.  Since then my tattoo is completely healed so it no longer needs as much attention, yet it will occasionally and spontaneously itch like crazy!  Every time this happens I get a nice reminder that maybe out there somewhere outside of my body our baby is waiting to come home to us.  

Thank you, thank you, thank you for journeying with me!   Until next time if you desire to send good thoughts/prayers my way please send them in the form of me keeping this perspective and finding the path that I/we are meant to walk rather than walking the path I try to force upon us.  

Wendi 

It’s Just Been Too Long…

Hello again all!  I am happy you are here but I have to admit, even now, I am dragging my feet to write this post.  I just feel like far too much has happened since the last post that this one would be like 7 pages long!  And I don’t want to write 7 pages.  Well sometimes I do, and I may have written 7 pages in the past but the thought of doing that sounds exhausting and I do not need any more exhausting things in my life right now.  So here’s the update of where things are today…

I am currently in the two week wait (2WW).  That means I have already had my period, which started day 1, then I took pills (Femara) to make me ovulate, they worked, we did some baby dancing (BD), a lot of BD, and at all the right times too!  Actually we have never done the BD at the times we did this time.  For example when I have had fertile cervical mucus (see this blog can get very personal 😉 which looks like egg whites, it is actually referred to as “Egg White Cervical Mucus” (EW CM) (yeah a real medical type thing, who knew?!?!).  Anywho when I Had the EW CM the hubby and I had never done the BD.  I am not sure why.  My guess would be because I was already in too much pain by then that I only wanted to do it when we absolutely had to, or because we weren’t around each other when I got it.  Or most likely, I didn’t realize that was the right time to do the sexy time (that one is mine and not a technical term).  So bottom line is I am on day 22 of my cycle and I start my period, typically, on day 31, which actually by default makes it day one, but you get the point.  That means today is 7 days past ovulation (7dpo).  Crazy all the lingo that goes with infertility.  Strange I was just thinking how some will never know the lingo because they will never have infertility issues.  And why would you know it if you, or someone you talked to about infertility didn’t explain it to you.  You would not be in that world.  I wish I wasn’t in that world.  

Last night I had a dream.  It was the kind where you wake up and you know you’re awake and in your bed but the dream was so real I thought it actually happened.  Like it was a memory of what happened yesterday.  I think about it like the day my grandma died.  It was a very sad day and I went to Brandon’s house and cried myself to sleep.  It was one of those hard sleeps where waking to a state of consciousness feels foreign because the sleep was so hard that it takes you a few minutes to realize where you are and what has happened in your world.  Then after searching your memory bank you discover the events of the day before and remember why you slept so hard.  Remember that you cried so hard.  Then you remember this part is real life and the sleep was just sleep.  This is the reality you have to live in.  I now HAVE to live in a world without my grandma.  I have to grieve her leaving this world.  I have to live in the reality that I can never talk to her and have talk back to me as I hold her hand then reach out to give her a hug.  Then I think that can’t be real.  Yesterday couldn’t have really happened because it is too horrible to be real.  This is what that dream was for me.  (Ahhh, after a pause of crying.  Maybe that’s why I’ve been putting off this blog.  Because I knew all this stuff was in there; was in me and I was scared for it all to come out.  I overcame fear of infinite infertility I can’t be authentic in a blog and let out those fears.  Well the tears came and went, and stayed a little but the blog must go on.) 

The dream was this: 

I was at home, I think, and I was having stomach pain, cramps, whatever but it was bad!  I got to the hospital, I don’t know how but it wasn’t like in a typical dream where the scenery just changes it was like the pain was so intense I didn’t care how I got there and thus just didn’t remember or think about it.  Then I was in a hospital room where all these women were there with me.  I could see the doctors and nurses over me as they wheeled me in to this room full of pregnant women in labor.  The wheeled me up in to the row.  All the women were lined up facing the same direction as if in a military line when soldiers are standing at attention.  I was pulled into the final spot left in the line and I looked over to my right and saw about five women in intense labor pain!  The women were holding their pregnant bellies in agony and some were screaming because the pain was just too much to bare!  I looked to my left and I saw two more women with big pregnant bellies suffering in excruciating pain.  There were more women than there were staff so they were all jumping around assessing each women’s immediate need.  I remember sitting up and I too was holding my stomach though there was no pregnant belly there.  I was trying to tell the staff that my pain was not labor pain, that I didn’t belong there with these women because I was not giving birth like they were.  The other women’s feet were in the straps already and some were pushing as they were coming very close to delivery.  Every time a staff member came to me I tried to say I didn’t belong there with them but nobody would listen to me because they were all so busy.  I didn’t understand why I was alone, where was everyone that cared about me? Why weren’t they there telling the doctors that I was not pregnant?!  Then I saw a vision of my mother standing outside the building.  It seemed odd, deserted as though she were on the side of the building rather than the front, and there were cement steps leading up to where she was standing while talking on her cell phone.  She was attempting to contact my loved ones but I couldn’t make out what she was saying or who she was talking to.  Then I was back in the delivery room again still feeling so confused as to why I was there!  I was the only one.  Out of all the women having those pains, the same pains I was having, I was the only one there not delivering a baby. Not going home with a baby.  Not strapping a baby into it’s car seat and going home to start our newly arranged family.  And I was all alone with no one who would listen to me.  No one that got it.  No one that could meet my needs because they didn’t understand and I was in too much pain to really let them know what was happening with me.  It all just hurt so bad.  

I was awakened slightly from this dream just where I was awake enough to come out of the dream but not enough to really be awake.  I had another dream after this when I went back into a deep sleep but I do not remember it.  Not even part of it.  I woke up on my own later and just laid there in my comfy bed.  I laid there and thought about what had happened.  That moment again where I was separating real life from dream life and this dream came to me as if it were part of real life just as the striking reality of my grandma leaving me in the flesh came to me.  It was just too real to not have happened.  

I have had today to process this dream.  I have been working as I have a respite kid here and I saw 4 clients at the office, and applied for job so I was pretty occupied for the entire day.  When I got out of bed I was in a foul mood.  I was exhausted and in pain.  The medicine I was on that helped my fibromyaliga so much I had to switch out because it was not safe during pregnancy so while I am weaning off that medicine and weaning onto another it just feels like neither of them are working at all.  This makes for a rough morning.  But I had a kid here so I had to get up and get going.  (Sounds a little conflicting right?  As I am blogging about not having a kid here because of infertility yet when I have a kid here I have to force myself to get moving.  I agree it does seem a bit ironic on the surface, but the obvious reasons as to why this is different need not be written here).  Any who I processed the simple comparisons of the dream.  Being in pain phsycially even though my pain is not for a baby.  Being the only one there with all the other pregnant women significying my feeling like the only person who is not having a baby.  Reaching out to try and get others to understand but knowing that no matter how hard I try I can’t.  They just can’t possibly understand.  And so on and so on, the obvious right!?   The other parts I am still processing.  Like why Brandon wasn’t there with me.  Or why couldn’t the doctors see I did not have a pregnant belly and realize I did not belong there.  Or why my mom was on the phone at what clearly looked very similar to the OHSU hospital on a slow day.  There are more parts I don’t understand than ones I do.  I will keep processing it.  At this point it is as if I have no choice because my brain seems to have filed it as a real memory rather than a dream memory.  

Moving away from the dream and onto real life, being in the middle of my 2WW I would say I think I am pregnant.  That’s right I said it; I think I may be pregnant!  I am exhausted, like beyond exhausted!  The kind where I need to rest after putting my hair in a clip!  Today I am had to drag my kid out to the car and go get a Rockstar just so I could get anything done!  I know they are bad for me but I really only took a couple drinks.  Seriously its almost still full in my fridge!  And hubby better not take it to work tomorrow if he knows what’s good for him!  Which reminds me I have been exceptionally moody as well.  I am usually moody but today was far worse than a typical day.  The only person I could be nice to was my kiddo and that’s probably only because I can tell her to have a quiet mouth and nobody else listens when I tell them that.  Overall I just feel different.  I have been peeing more even though I have not been drinking more fluids, and my lower back, like where my kidneys are, hurts as bad as it does when I am going to start my period and I know that isn’t close enough to be causing this pain.  (Lower back, or kidney pain, is common in the very first days of pregnancy because the kidneys are working extra hard to help develop the baby, that’s also why you have to pee more, thank you webmd).

Another big thing that happened was my tattoo!  I finally got it for my birthday!  The tattoo artist drew it up for me and captured exactly what was in my head.  I loved it and now I am, I guess you could say, having second thoughts about it.  Though it’s not as though those thoughts mean anything since it is a tattoo.  It’s just that it is so incongruent with my personality to have a big tattoo in a very visible place.  That was one of the points of my getting it, to show the world and not hide it inside like a dirty secret but now I find myself wanting to keep it inside and not share it with the world.  I would guess this has something to do more with my feeling alone than it does with the actual tattoo.  My hope is to post a picture of the tattoo and do a separate blog explaining what it all means but this one is already long enough so I won’t do that here now.  You’re welcome!  🙂  

Well I am not sure if I can’t think of anything else I want to share right now or if I am just tired of writing this but I am not sure what else to say.  I am really rooting for those two pink likes this month but that voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me to not get too excited.  I am taking what I think is a realistic approach to the results.  Oh I know one thing I did that was hard… I went through FB and totally stalked this one person and his/her happy adorable family!  Not a good idea!  I knew it wasn’t before, during and after I did it but for some reason I still went there.  I am not sure if that was before the dream or after but it hit me pretty hard.  In fact I know it greatly influenced my foul mood today!  Damn Facebook and their persistence to look like their lives are so perfect!  I just want that family part of it so bad that its hard not to go there and be sad for what I am missing.  

Okay now I am done.  I think.  Wait.  Okay yes I am done!  I am going to go to sleep now without sleeping pills.  Yay!!!  Yes that is how sad my life has become.  My body lives on pills/substances to survive even the most simple and fundamental of things.  Now since I am ready to go to sleep I am not going to edit this well!  So just remember that when you get here in your reading and realize how irritated you are with my grammar!  Ok I did spell check and that’s as good as it’s going to get! 

Good night all!  Thank you for reading!  It means so much!  And please keep your fingers crossed that this is actually THE ONE we’ve been waiting for!! 

Thanks so much!

Wendi 

 

An Ah-ha Moment…

Hello fellow journey people!  Thank you for joining me for this post.  I really wish this would be my last ‘infertility’ post because I did indeed get that test with two lines but I did not and this will not be my last infertility post I am sure.  Ironically AF showed up the morning after my last post talking about being, potentially, late.  I also had to take another pregnancy test per requirement of my infertility specialist doctor just to make sure. Thanks for that doc! That one wasn’t as bad because the level of hope in seeing two lines was at about a 1% out of 100 so no surprises entered my bathroom that day.  So this month I followed the typical protocol – start, text about 5 people and let them know (which I have to say felt a little odd as I realize how many people are genuinely interested in when I start my period), call OHSU to set up my mid cycle ultrasound looking for good follies/potential babies, and locate my refill of Femara to begin taking on day 3.  This month however was a little different.  

When the nurse from OHSU called me back she had a lot to say.  She did say to take the Femara as usual and scheduled my ultrasound but she also wanted to schedule another consultation with my doctor because he didn’t want me doing the same thing for another cycle.  She said the chances of us conceiving after 3 cycles actually goes down and there isn’t really a point in doing the same thing over and over if it is not working.  Ok.  All right.  I can handle that.  I actually appreciate their eagerness to do what gives us the best odds so I will schedule that consultation on day 1 or 2 of my cycle so that way if we are pregnant we can cancel the appointment and don’t have to talk about not getting pregnant if we already are, AND if we are not pregnant then it is still early enough in my cycle that I can take the Femara and not have to miss a cycle of trying.  Well it apparently was not that simple and I could not get in during those two days.  This means we either have to go in and talk about it not working (and pay for the consult) knowing I could be preggers, or we have to schedule it after we find out we are not pregnant and miss an entire month of trying.  It actually comes out to be more than a month because if I don’t take the pills I don’t usually have a period so I have to wait 2 weeks past normal start time just to make sure I am not going to start then I have to take another pill for 7-10 days which makes me start sometimes 7 days after I’m done taking the pill, then have my period and wait until day 3 to start the Femara again.  What am I at by now like 2 months?! Yeah NOT OKAY!!  I don’t want to miss two flippin months of potentially getting pregnant!  Also if I did that it would put us into April and there goes our chance of having the 2013 model baby.  It all just sucks!  And to make things worse I had, what started out as a minor, freak out that the next step the doctor would say is IVF and we don’t have 15 grand laying around so that would not be an option for us, thus leaving us with no prescription for Femara and therefore no possibility to have a baby.  This turned into a pretty big freak out pretty quick! I resolved this freak out by deciding, by myself, the next step would be to go back to the IUI we tried once in April 2012 and I sure hope the doctor reads my mind in this and chooses to agree.  This kept me from losing my sanity for the time being.  Plus I still had kiddos with me so I was forced into occupying my mind with their constant requests and required attention.  

I talked to hubby about when to do the scheduling and I don’t remember what we decided.  I think we decided to schedule it earlier and not miss crucial months. I still have not called them to schedule this consultation.  I am scared a little I think.  Well I was.  Then I realized how every time I/we go in for the ultrasound they assume we are doing the IUI and the only reason we decided not to do the IUI, well two reasons, were because we couldn’t afford it and because we thought we’d have just as good a chance with the turkey baster then with the doctor doing essentially the same thing.  Well when the turkey baster thing did not work out so well that changed our plan.  We figured since I was not in pain anywhere close to what I was before that we could just do the “timed intercourse” as everyone at OHSU calls it.  Then just the other day it occurred to me, why not just schedule the IUI for this cycle?! We can afford that procedure this cycle and if that’s what the doc will most likely recommend anyways lets just get the ball rolling and do it now! So I plan on calling about this tomorrow and I am hoping, and I am thinking, there won’t be a problem with this.  Then maybe we can even talk about doing the IUI again next cycle, as he originally said he would do 4 cycles of IUI, and we won’t have to miss any days.  And hopefully we will get pregnant within those 4 cycles and another consultation will not be necessary!  I have it all figured out so I sure hope the professionals do what I tell them to do ;). Last time I had it all figured out it worked exactly according to plan, well minus the part of actually conceiving but you know what I mean.  

Now for my Ah-ha moment! It happened yesterday when I was in session with a client. Yes I was still present and listening I just filed it away in my “to think about later” brain compartment and moved on.  So anyway my client had one of those moments herself and as she was telling me about her moment it struck me; my fear of not being able to conceive may be exactly what is keeping me from conceiving.  

You always hear those stories about how people try and try and when they finally adopt they get pregnant.  Well being a Mental Health Professional myself I know that case studies (taking one person’s story) are the least representative of the general population compared to any other form of research.  That being said I also am familiar with the concept of the ‘laws of attraction’, or “The Secret” as Hollywood puts it when they published a video about believing you already have a big expensive car and then you will have a big expensive car.  It’s a great concept in terms of a self-fufilling prophecy but when producers put it in a materialistic context it seemed kinda F-ed up.  Anywho, I have realized this whole time how it may be possible that my constant thinking/worrying/obsessing that it won’t happen may be what is keeping it from happening.  When I am thinking “it won’t happen” my brain is essentially telling my body it can’t happen.  That is why last time, or a few times ago, I talked about visualizing it all happening like athletes do before a big game, match, etc. but I still didn’t believe it.  I still for some reason thought I would be that person who it wouldn’t happen to.  That for some reason I am not deserving of the wonderful experience of conception, birth and motherhood.  Today I do not believe that.  Today I know I am deserving of it.  

One of the things on my heart lately has been a conflict with a very close friend.  Well what I thought was a close friend anyways.  I believed much of that conflict had to do with my infertility.  Well a few weeks ago she sent me a pretty hurtful message in response to what I thought was a completely innocent, well intentioned message.  I responded to her message standing up for myself while explaining her recent dishonesty and noting our potential to do some conflict resolution.  Yesterday she responded to that by breaking up with me.  Yep.  You read that right, I said “by breaking up with me”.   Essentially her message said how she has not been honest (that’s my word not hers) with me our entire relationship and how she has now decided she does not like me because of these things that bothered her for the last X number of years that she never bothered to share with me even a single time.  I have so many thoughts as to why that is unfair and whatever else but the bottom line is if we are no longer friends why bother to tell me what those things were now, right?  And anyone who knows me well knows the thing I hate most in relationships is to be lied to.  This means if I am going to have a relationship with someone who lies to me, for several years especially, I do not want to be there friend.  But obviously this got me thinking about our relationship and how and who I was as a friend.  I am aware my honesty in the past was often times too assertive.  Or what may have even seemed mean.  I know this and I do feel bad if I hurt people by seeming mean but I never had any malicious intent with this person, or any others I can recall, at least after high school anyways.  I said those honest things in an effort to improve our relationship.  I was not afraid of conflict.  I definitely was not the best person to be in conflict with several years ago but thank God all my personal counseling and education has improved that drastically.  Today I engage in healthy conflict, for the most part; I am human but I can go back and make right my wrongs as well.  It is this thought that told me I was completely authentic and genuine those X number of years with that ‘friend’ and therefore I have no regrets.  I am not responsible for someone’s unhappiness with me because they did not, for whatever reason, choose to be honest with me and attempt a process of conflict resolution to change it.  And, I am not responsible for that person’s decision to end our friendship because of their own dishonesty and avoidance of conflict/confrontation either.  Realizing my authenticity has helped my concept of self-worth reach a level I never thought my self-worth would reach.  I feel good about me!  I feel good about the person I have become and I don’t feel paralyzingly guilty of the person I was because that got me where I am today.  I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to have the amazing husband I married and I deserve to have babies to raise in the loving, empowering, and honest home we have built ourselves.  Ahhh.  It feels right to say that.  Before I would say it but it was more like I was saying it as a way to try and convince myself it were true.  Now I am saying it because I know it is true and I actually believe it in my heart.  That feels good.  No, it feels amazing! My husband and I are by no means perfect.  We don’t have the perfect marriage but we do love each other deeply.  We are in love with each other and we are happy.  I am completely authentic with him and I believe he would tell you he is with me as well.  This is the kind of relationship I want modeled for my children.  We will be great parents.  I have learned so much from my education and together him and I have learned so much about how we will parent by having respite kiddos here that I feel just that much more excited about our future babies!  It is crazy how in the midst of some of the most trying and emotionally exhausting time in our lives working through infertility we can still be happy.  That is the home our children will grow up in.  

So tonight I end by saying we WILL be having a baby because we are good people and we will be great parents.  Course I would still appreciate your prayers, well wishes, etc. 😉  Thank you so much for reading and journeying with me and if I had a glass of beer/wine/champagne/etc. I would cheers you all to our having a (hopefully 2013 model) baby!! 🙂

Thanks again, you are thought of, and appreciated! 

Two Week Wait???

Last time I posted I believe was when I talked about ovulation time which was more than two weeks ago.  Just to finish that part: I did ovulate, we did what we were supposed to, and we spent two weeks waiting.  

First I took a pregnancy test on Saturday (which happened to be my birthday).  I think I thought maybe if it was my birthday then I would deserve something to make it really special!  And since I turned 29 I feel like I need something special!  I am having a pretty rough time with it actually.  Typically when my nephew has his birthday on November 6th I start practicing the age that is coming up in January so I have some time to get used to it.  I must have been pretty busy this year because I didn’t take the time to do that; or maybe I didn’t want to make the time for it because I was denying it.  Yeah probably that one.  So it snuck up on me and BAM! 29.  And I do not care for it one bit.  I just don’t feel grown up enough to be so close to 30.  Maybe once I have a kid I will.  Though I still don’t feel like I’m old enough to have a kid either.  Hehe.  I’ve always had this weird thing with age, or since the birthdays stopped being fun anyways.  You know that means after age 21 ;).  

Back to the test.  Apparently turning 29 and celebrating one’s birthday by taking a pregnancy test has no effect on the outcome of that test.  Meaning, just one pink line; story of my life 😦  That day also happened to be day 28 of my cycle in which last month I only had a 27 day cycle.  I thought it was a 28 day cycle but then I realized I started ON day 28 which then makes it day 1.  Anyhow, I got a negative test on day 28 and now on day 30 I still have not seen aunt Flow (AF).  This makes it more than 2 weeks since ovulation which could maybe make me be considered as ‘late’.  However I have had a cycle as late as 34 days but not while taking this new medication, Femara.  With Femara the latest day I have started is day 31.  That would be tomorrow.  So if I don’t start tomorrow I will really be wondering what is happening. Why don’t I just take another test you ask… because I am so flippin’ sick of seeing BFNs (big fat negative(s))!!!  If I never seen another BFN I would be very pleased.  For several reasons obviously.  I just feel like one more might break me.   I have been doing really well so far with the negative.  I went to the doctor to pick up my prescription today and as usual the waiting room was filled with pregnant women and their toddlers.  If I would have been alone then I am pretty positive I would have lost it.  I was not alone, so I collected myself and carried on.  I haven’t had too much time to think about it honestly because I have been busy worrying about other things, and working.  I worked on Sunday and Monday, meaning with respite kids and counseling, so I have been pretty occupied with other things while two kids are saying, “Excuse me Miss Wendi” every couple of minutes. Haha.  It has actually been pretty nice now that I think about it.  It is nice to have kids around and it is nice to not have to think about not being able to have babies around this house.  

So there it is I am late (sorta) and I am not going to test, yet.  Part of not wanting to test is because we do have kids here and we don’t want to share our moment with anyone else.  I know that may sound weird but we have waited this long if it is going to be a positive I want to be able to bask in that with my husband and not have to worry about someone pissing me off at any moment and ruining my mood.  As if my mood could be ruined I’m sure, but I don’t want to share the news with them and I don’t want to have to act normal, like I didn’t just get the best news of my life, when I just got the best news of my life!  Plus more often than not, the kids don’t know how to share the spotlight so they would be overly dramatic and somehow make themselves the center of attention and I don’t want to deal with that either.  

So enough about that.  After the kids leave I will take a test and if I haven’t started but still keep getting negatives I will just go in and get a blood test.  Hubby doesn’t ‘allow’ me to take a test when he is not here to look at it at the same time as me, Lol, so it may be easier to have the doctor’s office call me and tell me.  We will see.  I am not going to put an exact day on when that will be because we have a few people we need to tell in person and that means I may need to wait to update this until after those people have been told.  Course there are only a couple of those so it won’t be long I promise.  Plus I wouldn’t be able to hold out too long on making it Facebook official.  

It feels weird talking like this in the blog.  This blog has been mostly a place to lay my pain. Even in my hopeful posts they were still filled with so much pain.  I may not have shared that with words but I realize now that even the hope is tainted with pain.  I have talked before about the hope being paralyzing.  I can’t move forward and grieve because I still have the hope that it will happen.  That is incredibly painful.  I actually have not felt pain like that before.  It gets to a point where even the idea of having hope is painful because it means I have to go through it all again.  

It was interesting today, when I was driving home from the doctor’s office with my two respite kiddos and trying not to lose it, I thought “I don’t know how much more I can take this”.  Then I remembered the same thing I have remembered the last few times, what is the alternative, and my thought was “not being here”, “here” meaning alive, and instantly as I realize that isn’t going to happen because I am here so therefore there really wasn’t a choice, I instantly lost the desire to cry and I felt myself straighten up.  I really don’t feel as though I have a choice.  I cannot not try.  I can’t.  I already did that for 7 months recently and I can’t do that again.  It’s hard because I know if I don’t take the fertility pill then it won’t be possible to get pregnant, so it kind of seems as though my taking the pills is just like having a regular cycle.  I haven’t had a regular cycle since 2007; without pills that is.  So my taking them just makes me have regular cycles and I suppose I could stop going to the mid-cycle ultrasound and not do the trigger shot, but if I am going to go through the trouble (pain) of taking the pill I might as well go ahead and be as informed about what is happening during those cycles.  Then I feel as though there is no other option.  Especially now that they are not hurting me like they usually do I have to keep doing it.  

I have to admit one of the reasons my birthday has been pretty difficult these last couple years is because of not having a pregnancy yet.  This year my thought is that the pregnancy has to happen soon otherwise it’s not going to happen.  That was a weird moment for me.  Then I caught myself stopping my mind on the thought of not ever knowing what labor feels like.  I thought about how badly I want that pain.  That incredibly intense moment when I am at a physical breaking point and my husband is standing there holding my hand, encouraging me and excitedly counting for me as I breathe.  Ahh.  Now this is hard.  Now I feel sad.  To see his face when he first looks down at our child as the doctor places him or her on my chest.  I expect he will then cry.  Our baby will be crying after it’s first breathe and I will be crying because the moment is just what I have been waiting for my entire life.  I just got lost in that vision.  That moment.  One I have to have.  I have to know what that moment feels like.  Then I interrupt that thought because thinking about having it makes me think about knowing I may have to grieve that moment because I may never get it.  That is where I either let myself feel the reality of that and feel the full sense of the word ‘pain’, or I have to just shake it out of my head and continue on my road of denial.  I am not ready to start doing that work yet because I have to still have hope.  Because I do have hope that it will happen.  It has to happen because my life wouldn’t be whole without it, therefore, it just has to happen.  

This Christmas I got a digital picture frame, I put some of our wedding pictures on it and watching them helps me remember that I didn’t used to be able to envision that day coming true.  I couldn’t see myself in a wedding dress.  I couldn’t see myself finding someone I wanted to ‘promise’ to love the rest of my life! That was just huge for me!  It is a nice reminder with every picture that some of my dreams do come true and that this one could too.  

Well now that I try hard to think about other things that have happened the last couple weeks I realize I don’t want to think about them.  I remember what they are now and I remember why I put them out of my mind.  They were hard, of course, and at some point I will get the urge to share the words that describe their horrific-ness but tonight is not that night.  I am kind of enjoying the numbness I have come to in this moment.  I never know how long that will last so I am going to ride this one out and keep from trying to take myself there.  Numb feels good right now.  So hopefully the next time I get on here is to get to say those awesome two words in big bold letters with about a million exclamation points following it.  I feel like a broken record right now.  It’s always the same: write to talk about ovulating, or not ovulating, then talk about a negative pregnancy test.  Ahhhhh!!! This is where I was trying to stay away from!  Ok I am getting off now but please know the typical stuff I say on here at the end and don’t make me say it  one more time.  You know about asking you to pray, send love, wishes, vibes, etc. and to say how much I appreciate it and on and on.  So I will just leave it with saying… 

Thank you so much for reading! The journey is easier if I’m not on it alone.